


Who Gives an F About the Oxford Comma?: Case Studies in the Ultimate Ensemble Hypothesis of Multiple Universes

by lalalalalawhy



Category: Oxford Comma Example Sentences
Genre: F/M, Grammar Porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 08:05:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5198435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalalalalawhy/pseuds/lalalalalawhy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anything that can be described will be described, and, more than that, likely exists somewhere.<br/>That’s just how probability works.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Gives an F About the Oxford Comma?: Case Studies in the Ultimate Ensemble Hypothesis of Multiple Universes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marginaliana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/gifts).



"Abstract mathematics is so general that any Theory Of Everything (TOE) that is definable in purely formal terms (independent of vague human terminology) is also a mathematical structure. For instance, a TOE involving a set of different types of entities (denoted by words, say) and relations between them (denoted by additional words) is nothing but what mathematicians call a set-theoretical model, and one can generally find a formal system that it is a model of."

     - Cosmologist Max Tegmark, explaining the Ultimate Ensemble Hypothesis of multiple universes. This hypothesis considers equally real all universes that can be described by different mathematical structures (and, one presumes, grammatical structures).

“I’m going to tell you something–I almost lost my mind without the serial comma. Suddenly, the world stopped making sense. Its absence changed my meaning, but it only seemed to change for me. Everyone else said it made sense. I was an alien on a strange, illogical planet.”

     - S. Zainab Williams, "[A Rant on the Serial Comma](http://szainabwilliams.com/a-rant-on-the-serial-comma/)."

 

* * *

 

Listen: there are universes beyond ours and universes beyond our understanding. We may not know the number - be it infinite or simply “so many as to defy understanding” - but we do know this. Anything that can be described will be described, and, more than that, likely exists somewhere.

That’s just how probability works.

In all of this infinity, exploding stars and black holes, cosmic microwave background and string theory, a single planet in a single solar system in a single galaxy in a single universe is simply not that interesting.

Then again, at least one of them is where we live.

At least one of them is where we write.

And at least one of them is where what we write exists.

That’s just the nature of infinity.

Thus is the thrilling relationship between Universe 1A147390F and Universe 1A147390F’B. That is to say, the relationship between the universe in which you live, write, and create Oxford Comma example sentences, and the universe in which you do not live, you do not write, and in which those Oxford Comma example sentences exist not as examples of grammatical structure but as simple descriptors of reality as experienced by those who do live (and, presumably, write) in that universe.

The Oxford comma, serial comma, or series comma is used immediately prior to the coordinating conjunction (most often and, or, or nor) in any series of three terms or more. Some say it helps to clarify meaning, some say it is a different way of obfuscating the issue. There are two sides to every story, unless there is a side, another side, and a final side.

I’ll give you an example. Here is the same sentence written two ways, with drastically different meanings.

“We invited the strippers, JFK, and Stalin.”

“We invited the strippers, JFK and Stalin.”

 

* * *

 

_Potsdam Conference, 31 July 1945_

_Cecilienhof, Potsdam_

_Occupied Germany_

_Earth, Milky Way_

_Universe 1A147390F_

 

It had been a long day. Actually, it had been a long week, at the end of a long month, at the end of a very long war. Hell, it wasn’t even half-way through the 20th Century and the world was tired.

Two world wars in fewer than 50 solar rotations will do that to a planet, especially in Universe 1A147390F.

In a large house in a small town in Occupied Germany, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, and Harry Truman were hard at work at ending the second of the Great Wars. Germany had surrendered weeks before, but the question remained, what was to be done?

There were more than three people there, you understand. Each of the world leaders had multiple aides, and generals on hand, you know, just in case. There were representatives from other major countries, as well. And that doesn’t even get into the press.

John F. Kennedy, a young and distinguished former naval officer, was also in attendance. His father, a close personal friend of William Randolph Hearst, had called in a favor with the newspaper magnate. Young Mr. Kennedy was to report on the conference, but, more importantly, make connections and friends among the great and powerful. This was a man who was going places, and everyone, at least among the American press corps, knew it.

Nobody was surprised when Kennedy received an ornate invitation to the night’s festivities in the Communist Party Secretary General’s chambers.

_~Invitation~_

_You are cordially invited to drinks after dinner with the delegation from Mother Russia. Be sure to wear loose-fitting pants._

Kennedy arrived to the third floor suite in his best outfit, a bottle of Kentucky bourbon in-hand to offer. He lifted his hand to knock, and the door swung open, revealing a glorious scene of revelry. Scantily clad women of every nationality draped themselves across the world’s most influential men. One raven-haired woman by the name of Zora (Kennedy later learned), wearing nothing but sparkly underwear, sat on Joseph Stalin’s lap, tickling his mustache. Winston Churchill was telling jokes to a cheeky red headed woman named June, whose head was thrown back in merriment.

Kennedy stood entranced by a blonde woman dressed in a toga that provided only perfunctory coverage. She told him, breathily, that her name was Stella and that she was there for his entertainment.

Someone pushed a glass of chilled vodka into Kennedy’s hand, and he gulped it down, just as Stella’s toga slid off her right shoulder.

 

* * *

 

_Potsdam Conference, 31 July 1945_

_Cecilienhof, Potsdam_

_Occupied Germany_

_Earth, Milky Way_

_Universe 1A147390F’B_

It had been a long day. Actually, it had been a long week, at the end of a long month, at the end of a very long war. Hell, it wasn’t even half-way through the 20th Century and the world was tired.

Two world wars in fewer than 50 solar rotations will do that to a planet, especially in Universe 1A147390F’B.

In a large house in a small town in Occupied Germany, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, and Harry Truman were hard at work.

World leaders had been gathered to discuss the end of the second of the Great Wars. Germany had surrendered weeks before, but the question remained, what was to be done?

There were more than three people there, you understand. Each of the world leaders had multiple aides, and generals on hand, you know, just in case. There were representatives from other major countries, as well. And that doesn’t even get into the press.

Stella K. Fitzgerald, a young and distinguished former naval officer, was also in attendance. Her mother, a close personal friend of Wilma Randolph Hearst, had called in a favor with the newspaper magnate. Young Miss Fitzgerald was to report on the conference, but, more importantly, make connections and friends among the great and powerful. This was a woman who was going places, and everyone, at least among the American press corps, knew it.

Nobody was surprised when Fitzgerald received an ornate invitation to the night’s festivities in the Communist Party Secretary General’s chambers.

_~Invitation~_

_You are cordially invited to drinks after dinner with the delegation from Mother Russia. Be sure to wear loose-fitting pants._

Fitzgerald arrived to the third floor suite in her best outfit, a bottle of Kentucky bourbon in-hand to offer. She lifted her hand to knock, and the door swung open, revealing a glorious scene of revelry. Scantily clad men of every nationality draped themselves across the world’s most influential women. One raven-haired man by the name of Joseph (Fitzgerald later learned), wearing nothing but sparkly underwear, sat on Secretary General Zora Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, tickling her with his mustache. A cheeky barechested man by the name of Winston was telling jokes to Prime Minister June Spencer, whose head was thrown back in merriment.

Fitzgerald stood entranced by a man with light brown hair dressed in a toga that provided only perfunctory coverage. He told her, breathily, that his name was John and that he was there for her entertainment.

Someone pushed a glass of chilled vodka into Fitzgerald’s hand, and she gulped it down, just as John’s toga slid off his right shoulder.

 

* * *

 

Still not convinced? I’ll give you another example, pulled directly from the headlines in Universe 1A147390F:

_TV listings of The Times: Planet Ustinov – Monday, Channel 4, 8pm_

_“By train, plane and sedan chair, Peter Ustinov retraces a journey made by Mark Twain a century ago. The highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.”_

 

* * *

 

Now, Universe 1A147390F does not actually have a planet named Planet Ustinov; that particular planet belongs to another subset of universes entirely. Rather, that is the name of a television programme whereupon a man from England, United Kingdom, Europe, Earth, Milky Way traveled to other locales on the same planet (Earth, if you recall) to document them.

His journey is largely unremarkable in addition to having been recorded in the television archives of Earth, so we will not spend too much time on them here. Suffice it to say he met with Nelson Mandela, who had been elected president of South Africa (on Earth, in the Milky Way Galaxy), an 800-year-old demigod (who was, of course, a different person than the mortal and relatively young Mandela), and a dildo collector (which is to say, a person who collected false genitalia used primarily in sexual stimulation, although they are varied in enough ways that one may be compelled to collect them). In Universe 1A147390F, someone who was neither Nelson Mandela nor an 800-year-old demigod did indeed collect dildos, and Peter Ustinov (the man after whom the television programme, though not the planets in the other universes - excepting one, as probability demands - was named) met with them, in front of a documentary film crew.

Do you understand? It is really very simple. Universe 1A147390F is a simple place.

But, as it was written in Universe 1A147390F, it was reality in Universe 1A147390F’B.

Again, that’s just the way it works.

 

* * *

 

 

It was the biggest journalistic investigation ever. Forget Woodward and Bernstein, forget Chitra Subramaniam, and forget Jonathan Dimbleby’s interview with Prince Charles. Peter Ustinov had the scoop of the century, and it was this: Nelson Mandela, former political prisoner, head of the ANC, first post-Apartheid president of South Africa, Africa, Earth, Milky Way, was both an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.

Around Planet Earth millions - perhaps more! - leaned in to their television’s live broadcast in anticipation of what was sure to be greatest interview of all time. Forget Frost/Nixon. Ustinov/Mandela was about to begin.

“Would you care to introduce yourself?” Peter Ustinov asked the man sitting sedately in the chair opposite.

“I am Nelson Mandela and I am the President of South Africa. I am Xhosa born to the Thembu royal family. I was imprisoned for nearly three decades at Robben Island under the policy of apartheid.”

“Yes, I believe most of our viewers know all that. Now, what about the facts that you have just recently brought to light: your background, your date of birth, and your hobbies?”

“Ah, I see. You want to ask the interesting questions first.” A smile lit up Mandela’s face as he leaned back in his chair. “I was born eight centuries ago, in a small village that no longer exists. I am a demigod, imbued with the power that entails. And I believe I have the world’s largest collection of dildos.”

Across Planet Earth, millions of people nodded to themselves. So it was true, they thought. Of course it was. That is the way the universe works.

Well, this universe, anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> The inspiration, such as it is, can be seen [here](http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2015-02/22/18/enhanced/webdr01/enhanced-buzz-6222-1424646182-17.jpg) and [here](https://twitter.com/socratic/status/507579515191967744). 
> 
> I’d like to first of all thank [marginaliana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/pseuds/marginaliana) for requesting such a fun fandom. I hope you enjoy! I'd also like to thank of JFK and Stalin, for being in the same place at the same time in this universe, outside the realm of Oxford comma example sentences. That made my life a lot easier. Add Winston Churchill and I'll thank all three for having plausible alternate last names. This work couldn't have existed without theoretical physicists and Wikipedia's editors: shine on, you crazy diamonds. Thanks also to Vampire Weekend: I’ve seen those English dramas, too. Finally, a huge thank you to my beta readers: Sophie, Grammarian-in-Chief (all stray commas are strictly my own fault), and [tintagel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tintagel/pseuds/tintagel), my own expert on British witticisms. You are both wonderful, in this and every universe.  
>   
> Huge apologies to Nelson Mandela. You once said, "Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world." I used mine to talk about your alt-universe dildo collection... sorry.


End file.
